Saturday, July 08, 2006

Global Warming and the Welfare State

or: How the Left Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Palestinians

As knuckle-dragging, mouth-breathing right-wing bigots, we simply don't understand the legitimate grievances of the Palestinian people. You see, the Jews in Israel continue to breathe. As revealed in the Koran, the breathing of Jews is an offense to the prophet Mohammed.

The nuance-challenged among you may jump to the hasty conclusion that the Palestinians and their Muslim supporters have genocidal intent. Obviously, your cultural sensitivity training hasn't kicked in yet.

You see, when six million Israelis breathe, they steal precious oxygen from the lungs of future suicide bombers holy martyrs Palestinian children, and they exhale Carbon Dioxide. As we all know, carbon dioxide is a greenhouse gas that causes GLOBAL WARMING!!!

The Palestinians are simply more environmentally sensitive than the Israelis. By refusing to die en masse, the Jews are flaunting the Kyoto Protocol and contributing to over-population. How can you neo-cons not see that?

What's that you say? Don't the Palestinians breathe too? Shame on you, conservatives are not supposed to draw moral equivalences. Besides, as usual, you have your facts wrong. Let me try to explain it so that even a red-stater could understand...

Like all good Muslims the Palestinians don't breathe, they seethe. Seething involves a lot of hyperventilation. When one hyperventilates, carbon dioxide is recycled. As a result, the environmentally sensitive Palestinians have a smaller carbon footprint than the Israelis, and as we all learned in public school, recycling is good for Gaea, our Mother Earth.

Hamas has been unfairly stigmatized as a terrorist organization. In reality they are ecological activists. These citizens of the world fight the good fight to save us all (even us kafir) from An Inconvenient Truth.

As if that weren't enough to get the blood of every watermelon Lefty pumping...

With the scourge of Israel wiped from the map, the Palestinians will be able to seethe easier. They can get on with the business of becoming the world's first true welfare state. Forget communism and socialism, they require wealth to be redistributed within the state. The Palestinians are much more progressive than that. They will have the first state where the entire population is on welfare! Why redistribute the wealth when you can just have it handed to you?

Of course, it would be racist and selfish of us to expect the Muslim world to fund the Palestinian welfare state from their vast resevior of petro-dollars. In the ensuing humanitarian crisis the UN will have to step in and establish the world progressive income tax. Believe me, an august body like the UN is not going to fall for any of that tax cuts for the rich nonsense. Since the United States is the richest country in the world, we (as good international citizens) will be expected to pay our fair share.

As you see it's not anti-Semitism that motivates the Left to support the Palestinians and to denounce the Israelis. Supporting Palestine is like having a Progressive Christmas Xmas Winter Solstice/Generic Winter Holiday every day.

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